Monday, January 5, 2009

Dear "Neighbors" at Money Mailer LLC.,

Today I braved the winter cold to check my mail. I found this in my mailbox:

Let me introduce myself since you obviously do not know my name as evidenced by the fact that this envelope is addressed "TO OUR NEIGHBORS AT." My name is Gabe and I see through your smokescreen. I would have felt more comfortable if you had called a spade a spade and addressed the envelope "TO ANYONE WHO LIVES, BREATHES, AND HAS MONEY AT." Instead you have chosen to disguise yourself as my "neighbor," no doubt hoping to evoke memories of Mister Rogers or neighbors who actually care about me. But no, you are one of those neighbors who doesn't know my name and just comes over when you need something, in this case, my money. I bet you don't even live in Alta Apartments.

Now that I have introduced myself, I would like to take issue with the bold claim made on the front of your mailer, the one that says "Like Getting Money In Your Mailbox." I noticed you needlessly trademarked this phrase. I say needlessly because unless a company was actually sending money to random persons' mailboxes (doubtful), I doubt anyone else would even think about using this slogan. Trust me, I've experienced both having money sent to my mailbox and getting your mailer. The experiences are quite different. Yesterday when I got my mail and received a random Book Scholarship check from an honor society for $75 I didn't: roll my eyes, throw out the check, and then spend 20 minutes blogging about how misleading the check was. Trust me, the sensations of getting money in the mail and getting advertisements in the mail are very different on many levels.

However, to be fair I've racked my brains for any situations in which the two would be similar. I have found three.
1) I am retarded and have no concept of what money is
2) I dying of cold and have no access to shelter or fuel to burn, just matches and a postman
3) The economy continues its way down and inflation makes money as worthless as your spam

I hope you agree that in a majority of conceivable situations your mailer is nothing like money. I therefore request that you change your slogan to "Like receiving junk in the mail." If you would like, you may also drop the "Like" since it is unnecessary. If, however, your loyalty to your slogan is greater than your to your business model, may I suggest you send one of the following items:
Gold
Silver
Any Precious Metal
Checks

Thank you,
Gabe

P.S. That weird awardish-looking emblem on the front that says "Local Neighborhood Money Saving Coupons Since 1979" doesn't fool me either. You can't just make up awards and give them to yourself.

3 comments:

Josh said...

That hurts man. I'm the one that sent that to you -- the day after I turned the thermostat down to zero. What are "neighbors" for but to induce freezing and mail you junk to burn for warmth?

cindy said...

Eric was laughing at me because I was laughing so hard about this post.

Sharon said...

Maybe it's because I have pink eye again, and my eyes are kind of watery, but this made me laugh so hard I cried.