Thursday, December 11, 2008

Cooking tip #2

Let me let you in on a little secret I've found. There is absolutely no circumstance in which one should put an intact egg into a microwave, shell-full or shell-less. I repeat, the is no conceivable situation in which it is a good idea to put an egg (in its oval shape, apparently you can scramble them, but that is yet unverified by me) in the microwave. Let me give you a brief synopsis of my experiences in this field of study to further develop my ethos:

Incident #1: Years ago, I decided that I was too impatient to boil an egg. I think boiling water took a lot longer when you are younger, so I decided that I could microwave this egg and speed the whole thing up. But, I'm not an idiot. At least, I'm not an obvious idiot, and I knew that if you put an egg in the microwave it would probably blow up, so I provided for that. I put the egg in the microwave and put a cup on top in case it did blow up. This way, it would all be contained in the cup and I wouldn't have to clean up much. I turned the dial and waited. KABLAAM! The egg exploded. The cup launched like a rocket. The top of the microwave was broken with several huge cracks on the inside. Fail #1.

Incident #2: A couple months ago I was again boiling an egg. I'm still an impatient person though, so I pulled it off the stove too soon. I unshelled it and bit in only to find that sickly half cooked dark yellow color in the yolk. I spit out the bite I had taken and looked at the remainder. I couldn't just waste this, I was hungry! "Ahh," I think, "I will just microwave this egg a bit just to get that yolk done." So I put the egg in the microwave thinking that only eggs with their shells intact are bad to put in the microwave. After a bit of time I open the microwave door. I can hear sizzling. Just as I am about to pull it out. KAFLAAAM (an F is used instead of a B to denote a softer explosion sound)! It exploded and spread egg guts everywhere. Now, the egg that was supposed to be on the inside of me, was on the outside and all over me. The odd thing is that it didn't explode when it was microwaving, but waited a second or two until I opened the door to explode. It was as though this little chick had a mind of its own... Fail #2.

Incident #3: 10 minutes ago I "finished" boiling two eggs. I use quotes because I shelled one, bit in and saw that sickly yellow again. Grrr. Well, if I had learned anything from incident #2 it wasn't "At any time, in any place, and under any circumstance, it is a really bad idea to put an intact egg in the microwave." It was more of a "At any time, in any place, and under any circumstance, it is a really bad idea to put an intact egg in the microwave without putting a paper towel over it to protect you against explosion" lesson that I learned. Apparently it was the wrong one. I was careful this time though, with my paper towel and my 10 second heating intervals. I finally pulled out the egg when the yolk was done. I tried to pick up the egg but it was pretty hot and so I put it down. But oddly enough I felt this area with an interesting sensation on the backside of the egg. It was... well, you know when you have the runs and your stomach is rumbling and you don't know if you can make it to the bathroom but you are sprinting as fast as you can? Yeah, it was that sort of rumbling, egg-style. I didn't think much of it, maybe it was just a hot-spot or something. Anyway, the egg was too hot to handle, so I cut into it with a knife. With not a second to spare after I pressed the knife into the egg, the "rumbling spot" of the egg gained critical mass and exploded everywhere. This moment has been immortalized in the following couplet:

Egg guts, egg guts, egg guts in my face.
Egg guts, egg guts, egg guts everyplace.

Fail #3.

Lessons I've learned:
1. Shells are not the only factor to consider here. Shell-less eggs are just as dangerous
2. The old adage about watched pots not boiling is not true. But watched eggs may not cook.
3. The eggs are getting smarter. The first one exploded in the microwave, the next one waited until I had opened the door, and the final waited until I cut in. I'm not sure I would want to know where the next one would explode.

So, I repeat for your well-being. Putting eggs into they microwave in any form (except possibly scrambled, not sure) is putting your life in the eggs hands... claws... whatever. Just don't do it. I will come over and boil them for you. I think I am getting better.

Did anyone else know this and fail to tell me? Also, how long do you have to boil an egg? You'd think with those little 3-minute egg timers that... you could do it in, well... 3 minutes. But I'm pretty positive that's not cutting it. Maybe I should put them in the crockpot and they'll be ready by dinner next time?


Karianne Salisbury said...

Loved it Gabe :)

So I don’t know if I boil my eggs for too long, but I am pretty paranoid of the eggs not being completely done. And boiled eggs aren’t one of the things you can check and continue boiling…or cooking…or microwaving as you have learned. : ). So I probably boil them longer than necessary, although I do recognize that I’m usually doing a bunch ahead of time and not patiently (or not so much) waiting for something I want to eat right then. But for me, I think I’d choice an over-boiled egg before an under-boiled one. I let them heat up and boil for like 8 -10 min and then turn off the stove but leave the eggs there so they can continue cooking while everything cools down. . . Yea, I've pretty much conquered the egg-boiling world.

Keith said...

I had a roommate who put eggs into a bowl and then cooked them in the microwave. They were more fried than boiled or scrambled, but maybe they have become intelligent enough to explode even in this state.

Nate and Julie said...

Ok, so here's the recipe for a perfectly boiled egg. I too am paranoid about an under-boiled egg, however I do not enjoy an overcooked egg much either.
1. Just barely cover the egg(s) in water and put on lid.
2. Put on stove and turn on heat.
3. As soon as water is boiling, turn off heat.
4. Leave lid on pot and pot on stove for 30 minutes.
5. Enjoy!

Let me know if this works. Honestly it's been awhile since I boiled an egg. I got this "recipe" from my mom and it seemed to work every time. Good luck!

Bruce said...

I just read this and I was laughing out loud. Which was a problem, because I was in the "Quiet Study Area" in the library. I don't think my fellow "Quiet Study Area" friends appreciated me very much.

On a different note, this was my favorite sentence:

"But, I'm not idiot."

I'm not sure if you did that on purpose or not, but I thought it was pretty entertaining.

Finally, I recommend cooking eggs with a blowtorch. It's much more fun than either the microwave or the stove. I have one if you want to borrow it.

.:Rhea:. said...

To have failed this more than once is too funny to me. I'm sorry. I'm impatient too and I absolutely hate cooking boiled eggs for that reason. When I do, though, there is a method. The post Nate and Julie left for you is it. Fail proof if you have the patience.

I See Badgers said...

i usually boil it for 10 min.

bytheway. I was laughing really hard. I've done some done things, but never twice. For example. i thought that you got mashed potatoes by peeling the potatoe and putting it in a blender with milk and butter. Yeah, that didn't work and I didn't try it again...ever.

Peace bro!

Sharon said...

I do it the same as Nate and Julie but for 17 minutes. If you turn off the boiling water and leave them covered you get a beautiful yellow yolk instead of the moldy looking green yolk. I would microwave eggs all growing up, but first you have to crack the egg open, and break the yolk with a fork. Swoosh it around a little or I think it blows up too. I think after this story I'm going to use the phrase, "you are a smart egg" rather than cookie.