Saturday, November 29, 2008

Optimization fail

I'm always looking for ways to optimize my life and be a little more efficient. Often times this involves doing two tasks simultaneously. Some of these tricks work better than others. One that does not work? Brushing your teeth and shaving at the same time. I'd thought about this one for a while and it seemed like a decent candidate for some optimization. Both tasks are daily tasks that need accomplished. Both only require one hand. I have two.

After almost shaving my teeth, brushing my face, and taking off my sideburns, I've decided these two processes are not prime candidates for synchrony. Despite the fact that I have an electric shaver and an electric toothbrush and that both require circular movements, the toothbrushing circles are much smaller than the faceshaving circles. The resulting task is similar to patting your stomach and rubbing your head, or is it rubbing your stomach and patting your head? Whatever. Anyway, yeah... I tried this one out so you don't have to. Trust me on this one, it doesn't work.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What you find in the wee hours

While staying up to an unjustifiably late hour, I discovered the stalking tool (this one's for you Karianne) After looking up Karianne, who is no fun to stalk because she actually publishes stuff, I decided to stalk myself. And this is what I found. This is a video of Darkwatch, the play I did with the New Play Project's series of shorts this summer called Long Ago and Far Away. Janae Card is my lovely counterpart. I am really pleased at how it turned out. I like how it came across really natural. I am the type of person that likes productions directed in a way that the conversations seem natural, like you really are a fly on a wall. It seems like we did a decent job of that, much to the credit of our director Jana Stubbs and our assistant director Christian Cragun. The script by Christina Phillips is refreshing as well. But anyway, enough of my biased thoughts, what about yours?

Darkwatch from New Play Project on Vimeo.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

FHE Poems

It's all relative

When asked in winter how I'd like to die
I tell the questioner it's death by fire,
But when in sweltering heat of sun I lie,
I choose a death of Ice much to my ire.

Multi-pointed Daggers from the Sky

If snow didn't come from the skies,
I'd venture it came from hell.
When others see a bed of joy,
I see a blanket of misery.
When others see fluffy crystals from the heavens,
I see multi-pointed daggers at terminal velocity.
When others see fun in snow balls and forts,
I see four long months.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Gabekob and Joshsau

Sit back while I tell you a story of a man, his friend, and a precious robe.

Several weeks back Gabekob went to his unbearably long Physics 106 class. He had this class with his bro Joshsau. On this particular day, Joshsau showed Gabekob a precious robe he had just obtained earlier that day. You see, Joshsau worked washing the locker room laundry at Brigham Young University. Every once in a while, an Israelite would mistakenly return his normal robe rather than the BYU-issue robe he checked out. This was more likely to happen when his robe was the same shade of gray. One very unfortunate Israelite accidentally returned a priceless robe, and now it was in Joshsau's possession. As a fan of odd robes, whether they be from or the thrift store, Gabekob coveted this robe. He begged, pleaded, and even offered money for the robe, but Joshsau would not yield.

A couple weeks later during Physics, Gabekob ventured upstairs to the vending machine during the break that the Physics 106 prisoners were afforded to break up the monotony of a 2.5 hour physics class. Ice-Cream Twix grabbed his eyes. Putting his money in, Gabekob pressed the required combination only to see his manna lodge against the very unheaven-like glass. Despite knowing the restrictions against gathering more than one break's worth of manna, Gabekob would not let those Philistines at the vending service rob him this time. He went double or nothing and prevailed.

However, he did not need two snacks. Upon returning to the physics prison, he spotted his bro Joshsau looking famished. He saw the deep hunger in Joshsau's eyes, and in an opportunistic moment of pure genius, offered him a trade.

"Joshsau, I wilt give thou this, my second Twix, if thou wilt give me thy precious robe!" said he.

Joshsau paused and replied, "I doth hunger greatly..." Gabekob could see as Joshsau weighed the options before him as Gabekob rolled the chewy caramel, crunchy cookie, and ice-cream mixture in his mouth. "Alright, thou doeth prevail..." said Joshsau.

And so it was that Gabekob came in possession of a most coveted robe. A couple weeks later, long after the hunger pains had gone with that Twix, only to return hours later, Joshsau delivered the robe as decided. The gift was given with heavy heart, for Joshsau knew he had squandered that which had been bequeathed unto his stewardship. And now, it is I, Gabekob, who possess this shirt:
"I Gave My Word to Stop at Third. 1987 Teen Abstinence Day - Suffolk County Public Schools"

Let this clever rhyme always remind Gabekob and his fellow Israelites of the blessings of abstinence.


You may not have heard these words applied to such items, but I contend that the Macbook Air is the sexiest laptop and Fruity Cheerios is the cutest cereal.


(basically what puppies are to dogs, Fruity Cheerios are to Froot Loops)

And there you have it.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

If I Were President

I would do one thing, and only one thing. Illegalize those stupid messages that preface voicemail messages. Seriously, what is the deal?

1) Whatever happened to the good ol' message and a beep?
2) When did we ever get the idea that we needed more options than hang up or leave a message. Seriously folks, priority levels and post recording editing? No... not necessary.
3) While we are at it, what makes cell companies think that if we did need those options, we would want really stupid ways to make our choices. For example, have you ever heard those voicemail messages that start saying "The number you have dialed is not answering, if you would like to leave a message press 1 or just stay on the line, if you would like to hang up press 2. After recording your message press 1 and stay on the line to review your message or make changes, or just hang up the phone. "? Okay. So if I was going to hang up, I would have done it immediately. And secondly, I surely wouldn't press 2 to hang up. I think that people who have ever used that option rather than pressing the end call button on their phone, shouldn't be allowed to have children.
4) Do they realize that we aren't new to leaving this leaving-a-message thing. We've got a couple years under our belt. I think most of us are smart enough to realize that if the person doesn't answer, it means that they didn't answer. Also I think we realize that if there is a beep, it is recording. Even the message the person you are trying to call records is pretty pointless. Okay, every once in a while someone leaves a message saying they are out of the country. But 99% of the time the message will be this "Can't answer, leave a message." And we know that's coming because they didn't pick up. So why say it? All we really need is for a moment of silence to hear that the person didn't pick up and a longer beep to allow us to hang up if we don't want to leave a message.
5) Do people who record long messages realizes that despite how funny they may think they are, they are just exacerbating this problem of time loss in America? There are few things that make me more impatient than having to wait through a message of a friend of mine that is superfluous, especially since I have probably heard it a million times and could recite it myself.
6) But as bad as long messages are, I would take one of those any day over a message that starts like this, "Hello?.... Hello??..... Oh hey, how is it going?...... Actually I'm not able to pick up my phone right now, so leave me a message!" That is actually the unpardonable sin the bible talks about. If not, it is at least a very-hard-to-be-pardoned-of sin.

Anyway, just a rant against voicemail messages. Unfortunately, I don't see the system changing any time soon (even if we just made it like the old fashioned answering machines it would be better). It is one of those things that is annoying enough to be annoying, but not enough to be addressed. So, we will just continued to be nickeled and dimed to death. I've even called T-mobile to see if they could disable the extra junk on my account. No luck :-\

Well, I'll post again soon. It will be less rantish, promise!