I knew it was a bad sign when she awkwardly stood at the door and waited for me to invite her in. But really, I knew what she had come to say. We sat on distant sides of the same couch, me with my arms crossed. It was a closed body position, but the only one that felt natural.
After finishing up our banal small talk, we started on the heart of the matter. She talked, I listened. While she was commenting on our differences and taking her time to explain her feelings, I had that Relient K song stuck in my head:
I'd better rest my eyes
'Cause I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say
Thought this would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable.
Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)?
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear
All along, I knew this break would end up breaking things. Before she had come over, I had written a song, "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, on a piece of paper. It had been one of our songs, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was about breaking up. The foreshadowing felt cruel. After the lyrics, I wrote how much I cared, how much I would miss her, and wished her luck. I gave her the note, we hugged, she left, and I receded to my room.
I darkened the lights, crashed on my bed, pulled up the blanket, and sobbed. These were deep sobs, the kind that shakes your core, that you never let out around others. In fact, you don't really know how they sound until you are in a situation that requires them. After a while, I was done. I brushed my teeth, flossed, and went to bed early.
The hardest things about this? When she told me I was amazing, wonderful, and that she thought the world of me. When I try to convince myself that there are others like her out there, yet find myself at a loss for a single name. When I look back at our memories and wish I could go back to any one of them.