Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Thoughts of a deviant

My idea of the perfect crimes:

Identity theft, 20 years in the making: The other day I was thinking of my friend Sarah and realized that I still thought of her by her maiden name rather than her married name. This got me thinking, 'If I know her maiden name, doesn't that give me some power or something?' Indeed it does, power 20 years in the making. Now I just need to wait it out, for twenty years until she has a child old enough to have credit cards and bank accounts. Then I can impersonate him and when give you that "For security purposes, could I have your mother's maiden name?" line, I'm in! So... Yeah, in twenty years I am gonna be pretty sweet rich.

Seriously though? That bothers me every time I am asked that. Like my mother's maiden name is really that secret... Like, all you really need to know is someone's grandparents. It almost bothers me as much the online sites that require you to create a security question. Now-a-days its all the rage to make those little how-secure-is-your-password meters that make you pick passwords that look like Google's verify-your-not-an-artificially-intelligent-robot words. So you finally pick firwl35i2 as your secure password, only to see that the next question is where you pick your security question. So now all someone needs to know to get into your account isn't your super secure password, but merely that your first dog's name was Sparky or that your 1st grade teacher's name was Mrs. Laramie. Shouldn't there be an option like "Don't worry, this isn't the first time I've used a website and I'm not an idiot. I won't forget my password. Even if I did, I would be much less likely to remember how I formatted the answer to your ridiculous security questions." How do we know Mrs. Laramie (or Sparky) isn't sitting on her (or his) computer right now hacking into every student's (or owner's) accounts? That's a risk I'm not willing to take.

Free Postage: Guys, this one is pure genius. It's so simple, even my 10-year-old brain was powerful enough to contrive it. How bout this? You know how the post office sends you stuff back if you don't have the right postage? What if you sent a letter where your intended recipient was listed as the sender and you were listed as the intended recipient. Follow? Now you just drop it in the box without postage and wait for the post office to catch it, unknowingly playing right into your hands and shooting it into mailbox of the 'sender', really your intended recipient.

Genius isn't it? Here are the problems... It is kind of suspicious not putting any postage on a letter, so maybe you could just put inadequate postage and rather than get free postage, just get discounted postage. Also, I think it might be a little suspicious when they see a letter without postage (or insufficient postage) in Provo when it was 'sent' from your friend in Pennsylvania. They'd probably think either "Man those east coast mailmen (or robots, I'm not sure what they use) are idiots!" or "This little punk is trying to commit mail fraud." So, maybe if do it locally it would be more believable. Like, I could probably send something to Barney for free if I wanted to. PS, please don't submit that last submission to a cost-benefit analysis. I know the mailbox is further than his door, but the hidden benefit is the satisfaction of stickin' it to the man.

Abstract Graffiti Artist: I know people like to tag things. Graffiti looks kinda cool to the average human... sometimes, but not to the average judge. So, I decided today that if you really needed to get your kicks by defacing stuff, just get some orange spraypaint, limit your targets to the road and sidewalks (especially around stoplights), and give up your elaborate designs, from here on out you'd have to be doing lines, dashes, circles, and really oblique symbols. You also might want to get an orange vest and hard hat to secure your chances of never being caught. Seriously, who has ever seen someone spraypainting on the sidewalk in orange paint near a stoplight and ever confronted him? For all we know, that guy with the UDOT hat could be a thug! Anyway, I think it's worth a shot.

So there they are, the perfect crimes. Crimes so ingeniously conceived and executed that you'd never be brought to justice. Have fun! But watch out, next time I see someone spraypainting, no matter the surface or appearance of being a legitimate service to the public, I am calling the cops.

5 comments:

Bruce said...

About that password thing: I'd just like you to know that my first pet's name is alsdkkjrql45thasrlkjghawe4oguihabwerltkahjw4eflkajwhflkajweflk, and the street I grew up on is zxdfouighareoguane;vouhbe;goin.

J. L. A. said...

This is one of my favorite posts of yours. It felt really well-constructed and natural--almost like it was conceived in heaven. It was also entertaining and I think sufficiently punchy. Again, I like it a lot.

Gabe said...

James, I believe my work here is done. You are the last human I needed to touch. So long earth, it's been good.

Morebadger said...

Well gabe, to comment on crimes that you think you are getting away with because they are perfect I would like to share an experience from my childhood...here it goes:
I was 10 and I knew that silver coins(dimes, nickels, and quarters) were worth more than the copper(pennies) ones. I went over to my neighbors and traded 4 or 10 copper pieces for every silver piece that they gave me. In the end, I had given almost 4 dollars in pennies and I had enough money to buy myself a brand new baseball cap with money left over. It was perfect because the girls that gave me their silver moneys thought they were getting the better part of the deal just because I preferred my money be silver. In short, their mother found out and I have only been to their house 3 times since then in my entire life (mainly because every time I go over the mom brings up how I stole money from the girls...lame excuse if you ask me).

Jessi said...

haha, I came across your blog and saw that you're a student in Provo... does that mean you go to BYU? I'm about to transfer there. In anycase, you're comments about free (or... almost free) postage is actually very tempting... I don't know if it would work for my letters to South Africa (which costs 90 cents!)... or international mail in general for that sake. oh well. Figure that one out!