I hesitate to post a private letter to you on my blog for everyone to read it, but you leave me no options with your sudden lack of ability to answer my calls. Have no fear though, I'm not angry or upset. On the contrary, I was inspired by seeing some young ladies perform acts of service this morning wiping off windshields. So inspired in fact that I started thinking, "Maybe I can soften James' heart through a similar act of service?"
Similar? Not so much. Service? I think so. The above amount of $26.87 is ......suspenseful pause...... the amount you are getting back on taxes. That's right, I filed for you today. I interpreted your failure to pick up your W2 as a subtle hint that this would be a welcomed service. What better day to serve to than the day of love?
Overall it went okay. I mean, who ever said taxes were easy? I ran into a couple hitches along the way. I used an online service so you'd get your refund most expeditiously. Somewhere I must have accidentally thrown in an extra zero in your gross earnings, because it said you owed $6,000 dollars in state taxes, a far cry off from the $712 they withheld. The site, however, was a little difficult to navigate, so instead of worrying about going back, I decided to move on, but a little creatively.
Don't worry. You're not paying $6,000 in state taxes. With the use of my own creative definitions of "hybrid car" and "adopted a child in the last 12 months," I was able to score you some sweet tax credits. These brought your taxes down considerably. You are even getting $26.87 back. Oh, and your wife (you now have one) is also a wounded veteran of the current Iraq conflict.
Now I know you may be thinking this is risky business, but I think the odds are with you. Seriously, you are just one of how many that have filed this year? I'd say you didn't even earn enough to be a concern to the IRS, but they might think you have since your income is off an order of magnitude. Fear not though, I was not completely careless in covering your tracks (read my tracks). Not only did I make up a bogus social security, but you now live on 148 Rimmington Circle Topeka, Kansas. I figure that from the time that you first find out the IRS is after you, this should give you a couple weeks to put some distance behind you. If I recall, your passport is also still valid for another 6 years.
Anyway, all in all I think they went pretty well for it being my third time filing (and first time claiming most of these credits). If you have any questions feel free to call me from a payphone. I don't know if I told you but AJ's dad works for the NSA.
Hope this letter finds you well,